Love Does Not Spoil a Child – A Reflection on Parenting

When Your Baby Cries, Should You Pick Them Up — or Let Them Cry a Little?

“Don’t pick him up every time he cries. He’ll get clingy.”

A grandmother once said this to me in the clinic, her voice full of conviction.

Sitting beside her, the mother looked conflicted.

“But the books say we should respond immediately… Should I not let him cry at all?”

I smiled gently.

I have heard this conversation countless times.

To the older generation, letting a baby cry for a while was not considered harmful.

“Let him cry — it strengthens the lungs.”

“If you carry him too much, how will he learn to be independent?”

But for many new parents, the struggle feels different.

They find themselves caught between anxiety and guilt.

Should I pick him up?

Should I wait?

Am I being too soft — or too harsh?

It can feel like two generations standing on opposite ends of a scale.

Yet deep down, they want the same thing —

a child who grows up healthy, resilient, and stronger than they were.

The Wisdom of the Previous Generation: A Choice Shaped by Reality

When we look back at our parents’ and grandparents’ generation, life was not easy.

Adults worked long hours.

They managed households.

They often cared for multiple children at once.

Responding to every cry simply wasn’t realistic.

So “he’ll stop crying eventually” and “don’t carry him too much” became practical parenting strategies.

It was not coldness.

It was survival wisdom under limited resources.

What Research Has Helped Us Understand

In recent decades, child development research has given us a deeper understanding of what crying means.

A baby’s cry is not manipulation.

It is not attention-seeking.

It is not “being spoiled.”

It is their only language.

I’m hungry.

I’m scared.

I’m uncomfortable.

I need you.

When these signals repeatedly go unanswered, a baby’s brain can remain in a heightened state of stress and alertness.

But when a baby learns,

“When I cry, someone comes,”

the world begins to feel safe.

And when the world feels safe, a child dares to explore it.

In other words:

Children who are gently responded to are often more independent — not less.

Security is the foundation of independence.

The Circle of Security: Holding On and Letting Go

In my clinical work, I often share a simple but powerful concept with parents: the Circle of Security.

It describes the parent-child relationship as a circle.

At the top of the circle, the child moves out to explore — to play, to try, to fall, to experiment.

At the bottom of the circle, the child returns — tired, frightened, or overwhelmed — seeking comfort and reassurance.

Throughout the day, children move back and forth between these two positions.

The role of the adult is not to push the child further than they are ready to go,

nor to hold them so tightly that they cannot explore.

Our role is to be the person who:

Holds them when they need holding,

and lets go when they are ready to go.

When a baby cries, they are often returning to the bottom of the circle.

Responding to that cry is not spoiling them.

It is strengthening the base from which independence grows.

Does That Mean We Must Pick Them Up Every Time?

At this point, many parents feel even more confused.

Does secure attachment mean I must pick up my baby every single time they cry?

Not necessarily.

The Circle of Security emphasises emotional availability, not mechanical reactions.

What children need is not to be constantly held.

What they need is the certainty that:

“When I turn back, you will be there.”

Some cries signal fear, pain, or separation anxiety — these are clear bids for connection. A hug and soothing are appropriate.

Other cries may come from small frustrations — a block tower falling, a toy out of reach. In those moments, instead of immediately rescuing, we might kneel beside them and encourage them to try again.

Still others may be protests against boundaries — not wanting to change a diaper, not wanting to stop playing. These moments require calm, steady presence and clear limits, not necessarily physical comfort.

Sometimes, stepping closer, kneeling to their eye level, and saying, “I’m here,” is enough.

Sometimes a gentle touch on the back is sufficient.

Sometimes pausing for a few seconds allows the child to regulate on their own.

Responding does not always mean picking up.

It means staying connected.

My Personal Reflection

This reminds me of my own daughter.

Before she turned three, she was very attached to me.

If I walked just a few steps away, she would cry.

Someone once joked, “That’s because you carry her too much.”

For a brief moment, I doubted myself.

But I continued to kneel down, hold her, and say softly, “Mama is here.”

Gradually, something shifted.

She began to run off to play on her own.

She explored independently.

Sometimes she would even tell me, “Mama, you sit here and wait for me.”

That was when I understood —

A child who has been held enough is the one who walks the furthest.

In Closing

As immigrant families, we often carry two things at once:

The wisdom of our elders

and the insights of modern research.

These do not have to be in conflict.

Our parents and grandparents offer us experience.

We bring new understanding.

Together, they form a fuller kind of love.

We do not need to be perfect parents.

We only need to be the kind of adults who:

Hold our children when they need holding,

and let go when they are ready to go.

Because love does not spoil a child.

Security helps them grow.

 

愛，不會寵壞孩子

—— 當寶寶哭泣時，我們該抱起他，還是讓他多哭一會？

「唔好一喊就抱呀，抱慣咗會痴身㗎。」

診所裡，一位祖母語重心長地對我說。

旁邊的媽媽滿臉猶豫：「但書本都說要即時回應孩子……我是不是不應該讓他哭？」

我看著她們，輕輕笑了笑。

這樣的對話，我聽過無數次。

對上一代而言，孩子哭一會兒並不是壞事。

「讓他哭一下，肺活量會大一點。」

「成日抱，將來點獨立？」

對新手父母來說，卻常常在焦慮與內疚之間拉扯——

到底要抱，還是不抱？

要回應，還是狠心一點？

兩代人彷彿站在天秤兩端。

但其實，她們心裡想的，從來是同一件事——

都只是希望孩子健康、堅強，將來過得比自己更好。

上一代的智慧：現實中的選擇

回望父母與祖父母那一代，生活條件並不寬裕。

大人要工作、要操持家務、要同時照顧幾個孩子，很多時候根本沒有餘裕「每一聲哭都即時回應」。

於是，「哭一下就會停」、「不要抱太多」成了一種務實的做法。

那不是冷漠，而是在有限資源下的生存智慧。

研究帶來的新理解

然而，近幾十年的兒童發展研究，讓我們看見另一個角度。

嬰兒的哭泣，從來不是「發脾氣」，也不是「故意黏人」，而是他唯一能使用的語言——

我餓了。

我害怕。

我不舒服。

我需要你。

當這些訊號長期得不到回應，孩子的大腦會處於警覺與焦慮狀態；

相反地，當他知道「我哭，會有人來」，世界變得安全，他才更有勇氣探索與嘗試。

換句話說——

被溫柔回應的孩子，反而更容易獨立。

安全感，才是獨立的起點。

「安全依附之環」：抱住，也放手

在臨床工作中，我經常向家長介紹一個簡單的概念——「安全依附之環」（Circle of Security）。

它把親子關係比喻成一個圓圈。

圓圈的上半部，是孩子走出去探索世界；

圓圈的下半部，是孩子累了、害怕了，回來尋找依靠。

孩子的一天，其實就是在這兩端之間來回擺盪。

而大人的角色，不是把他推得更遠，也不是把他緊緊抱住不放，

而是成為那個——

在他需要時接住他，在他準備好時放手的人。

因此，回應哭聲，並不是寵壞，

而是在替他的獨立打好根基。

那麼，每一聲哭都要抱嗎？

不少父母聽到這裡，反而更困惑：是不是每一次哭，都必須立刻抱起來？

其實，「安全依附之環」真正強調的，並不是動作，而是情感上的在場。

孩子需要的，不是我們時刻抱著他，

而是確信——當他回頭時，我們一定會在。

有些哭聲，是害怕、受傷或分離焦慮，那是一種尋求連結的訊號，一個擁抱與安撫確實重要；

有些哭聲，卻只是學習中的小挫折，例如積木倒了、玩具拿不到，這時與其立刻抱走，不如蹲下來陪伴他、鼓勵他再試一次；

還有一些，是對界線的抗議，則需要穩定而溫和的陪伴，而不是妥協。

很多時候，我們只需走近一點、蹲下來與他同一高度，一句「媽媽在這裡」，或輕輕拍一拍背，已足以讓孩子安心。甚至給自己幾秒鐘觀察，孩子往往已能慢慢調節情緒。

回應，不等於每次抱起來；

而是用各種方式讓他知道：你並不孤單。

一位治療師，也是一位媽媽

說到這裡，我想起自己的女兒。

三歲前，她非常黏我，只要我走開幾步，便哭得厲害。家人半開玩笑地說：「一定是你抱太多了。」

那一刻，我也曾動搖。

但我還是蹲下來抱著她，輕聲說：「媽媽在這裡。」

慢慢地，我發現她變了。她開始自己跑去玩、自己探索，甚至會對我說：「媽媽你坐在這裡等我。」

那一瞬間我才明白——

原來，被抱夠的孩子，才最有勇氣走得更遠。

寫在最後

身為移民家庭，我們一邊學習新的育兒知識，一邊承載著長輩的經驗與關心。

其實，這從來不是對立。

祖父母給我們歲月累積的智慧，

而我們帶來新的研究與理解。

兩者加在一起，才是最完整的愛。

我們不需要做完美的父母。

只需要成為一個——

在孩子需要時願意抱起他，

在他準備好時願意放手的大人。

因為愛，從來不會寵壞一個孩子。

安全感，才會讓他真正長大。

 

Read more on: https://blessingcald.com.au/blog/2026/03/bridging-parenting-1-love-does-not-spoil-a-child/