Sex education for young children
The Conversation Most Parents Avoid — And Why That’s Risky
You know you should probably talk to your child about sex at some point. But when? And how? And what exactly do you even say to a four-year-old?
If those questions have kept you avoiding the whole topic, you’re not alone. In this episode, I spoke with Dr. James Lee — occupational therapist, sex therapist registered in Hong Kong, and educator at The Education University of Hong Kong — about sex education for younger children. His message was clear, and I think it’ll shift something for you: early education doesn’t accelerate children. It protects them.
What we talked about
The first thing Dr. Lee did was expand the definition. When most people hear “sex education,” they jump straight to biology, puberty, intercourse. But the World Health Organisation’s Comprehensive Sexuality Education framework covers eight themes: relationships, values and rights, gender, safety and violence prevention, human development, intimacy, reproductive health, and STIs. Most of that has nothing to do with intercourse. A lot of it is simply about respect.
The research is consistent across countries: children who receive clear, age-appropriate sex education earlier are less likely to engage in sexual behaviour prematurely — not more. Why? Because education satisfies curiosity. And when curiosity is satisfied at home, children don’t go looking for answers from peers or social media — sources that are often wildly inaccurate and sometimes genuinely harmful.
Dr. Lee has three children himself, and his advice was grounded and practical. He said if a three-year-old asks a question, answer it. If you don’t know the answer, say so — and come back to it. That honest “I don’t know, let me find out” models a healthy, curious attitude toward learning that serves children long past childhood.
Three things that shifted my thinking
1. Use the real words.
Many Cantonese-speaking families use nicknames for body parts — JJ, 小蟲蟲, 妹妹. Dr. Lee’s advice: use anatomical terms. Penis, vagina, vulva. Not because it’s edgy, but because when body parts are given silly names, children absorb the message that those parts are shameful, secret, not to be discussed. That makes it harder for them to tell someone if something has gone wrong. Correct language removes the stigma. It also has a practical side — body parts are connected to hygiene and health, and children should feel comfortable talking about them in that context.
2. Consent starts at birth.
Dr. Lee described a practice used by some sex educators in the US: asking for a baby’s “consent” during nappy changes. Not because a newborn can give verbal consent — but because that habit of pausing and acknowledging a child’s body as something that deserves respect starts building something important. By the time a child is old enough to say “no,” they’ve already had years of experience of adults treating their “no” as meaningful. He also raised a scenario many families recognise: a relative asking for a hug, the child refusing, the parent saying “oh it’s fine, just one hug.” That, Dr. Lee said firmly, is not fine. Respecting a child’s refusal — even with family — teaches them that their “no” counts.
3. If you avoid it, the internet fills the gap.
Dr. Lee works in sex therapy and sees the consequences. Many adult couples who come to him with sexual difficulties trace the root cause directly to gaps in their sex education. Unrealistic expectations built on pornography, shame around normal desire, confusion about basic anatomy. These aren’t fringe cases. He said roughly six or seven out of ten clients he sees are affected by insufficient sex education. The single most protective thing a family can do is start the conversation early, keep it open, and model a healthy attitude.
What you can do today
You don’t need to sit your four-year-old down for a formal “talk.” Dr. Lee’s advice is simpler than that. Bath time, nappy changes, a children’s picture book about bodies — these are all natural moments. Use the correct words. If your child asks a question, answer it honestly at an age-appropriate level. If they notice differences between bodies, use that as a starting point. And if you don’t know how to start, it’s okay to say: “You know, I want us to be able to talk about these things. Let me find a book we can read together.”
The conversation doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to happen.
Listen to the full episode at blackburnslp.com.au/resources | Follow Chloe: @phd.speechie.mum